Almost fifteen years ago, on a humid, sunny afternoon in Indiana, I sat in an office with my mentor, David Bremer. I was relieved that the sounds of crickets from outside covered the sound of my crying and our conversation, as if the world could hear us otherwise.
I lamented. “I worked too hard to deserve this disaster in my life. Why did it happen to me?”
David just glanced at me and handed me a tissue. “Well . . . You know what I am gonna say, don’t you? Are you asking yourself a ‘why’ question or ‘what to do now?’ Asking about why always points your perspective to the past, things that have already happened, or something you can’t control. When you truly ask what to do at this moment from the thing that has already happened, you will gain a sense of strength and know the answer that is already within you. Don’t be a baby. Grow up and learn.”
Ouch. I knew better than to expect a warm fuzzy from him . . .
At the same time, I found myself nodding at his comments and wiping my tears. I have to admit that he did have a point. I was looking at things of the past that were out of my control—not things I could do now within my control.
David was my mentor from when I came to the U.S. in my early 20s until he passed away seven years ago from cancer. I miss him greatly still. I wish I could run to him whenever I want more clarity in my life. Yet, I always hear his voice and am still learning from and processing the essence of his life lessons.
He had a peculiar sense of dry humor and the deep intellect and wisdom of a true peacemaker. Unless you got to know him, people often considered him a cold personality for his bluntness in telling the truth. Yet, all my memories of him are about him teaching me how to love. The truth hurts sometimes, and people certainly don’t like to face it, especially when it is revealed by someone else.
Despite all that, people always flocked around him to ask for help whenever they were in trouble. People knew they needed to hear his perspective and wisdom, as it always pointed in the right direction. I was surely one of them—a repeat guest who always trailed some drama. I knew that he cared deeply about me, as I did for him.
Years later, accompanying me to the airport, where I was flying to Korea for the summer, David handed me a book and said, “Now, you are finally ready to read this book. Read it and follow the principles it contains. You will be fine, young lady. And you’re welcome!” (With a smile and a wink.)
I looked down at the book in my hand. It was a tiny pocket-size volume titled The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
On the plane to Korea, reading the book thoroughly with a sense of awe, I understood why I might not have been ready for it a decade earlier, but now I was. Without saying so lightly, the book changed my life.
I hope you can read it at some point if the timing of your life is right for this book. I believe the author will better explain why these four agreements are crucial to our freedom than I can in this newsletter.
The second agreement of his four messages is, “Don’t take anything personally.” Nothing others do is because of what we do. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When we are immune to the opinions and actions of others, we are no longer the victims of needless suffering.
The author says:
“It is not important to me what you think about me, and I don’t take what you think personally. I don’t take it personally when people say, ‘Miguel, you are the best.’ And I don’t take it personally when they say, ‘Miguel, you are the worst.’ I know what I am. I don’t have the need to be accepted. Whatever you think, whatever you feel, it is the way you see the world.
“Wherever you go, you will find people lying to you, and as your awareness grows, you will notice that you also lie to yourself. Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves. You have to trust yourself and choose to believe or not to believe what someone says to you.
“Whatever you think, whatever you feel, I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal, because you are dealing with yourself, not with me. You may even tell me, ‘Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me.’ But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You are hurting yourself.”
What resonates with me the most about this agreement is that, as we make a habit of not taking anything personally, we have no need to place our trust in what others do or say. To make responsible choices, we need only to trust ourselves. We are never responsible for the actions of others; we are only responsible for ourselves. When we truly understand this and refuse to take things personally, we can hardly be hurt by the careless comments or actions of others.
We are living in a difficult world. We are getting hurtful comments or negative naysayers about what we do or who we are all the time. The other day, I saw a negative comment from one of my blogs. It is not my first time seeing negative words online for what I do, but sometimes it can get to me. Without reacting to it emotionally, I asked myself these five questions:
1. How much does this person know about the field?
2. How much does this person know about me?
3. Is this person’s comment for my growth or the expression of their ego?
4. Is this coming from the heart of love?
5. Do I take it personally?
The answer was clear. I erased the comment, blocked the person from the website, and moved on with my day.
We can always say yes, or we can say no. It is always our choice. The key here is to follow our hearts without guilt or self-judgment. Life is hard enough, without another negative weight from others.
Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don’t take it personally. Don’t take anything personally.
Maybe this message will free you up from the things you allow yourself to suffer, as I have needed a reminder over and over again.
Do you have a mentor in your life? What message do you carry with you from them? Please share it with me!
Have a wonderful week!
💕Jeeyoon
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